Hey guys!
So, I was looking at somebody's blog, just going through, trying to see if and (I'll be the first to say) looking for ways to improve my blog. And I saw she did a post about the things she was thankful for in 2010 and I was quite surprised at how I never thought of doing such. So, I told myself, "Self, how about writing a post about how 2010 was for you" and I hope I don't cry at the end of this.
After a lot of analysis, I will call myself an optional optimist. I can be pretty bubbly and happy when things are going good but I take disappointments really hard.
This year, for me started out awesome, I was in Nigeria shadowing a doctor at a really prestigious hospital in Lagos. I had barely, like very barely, made a 4.00 GPA the semester before and I was quite happy because things seemed to be going awesome. My cousin, Bukky had just gotten married and the wedding was so nice and i had so much fun with my family and friends. The hospital was really nice and I got to meet some really nice people. I even went to London to visit my former suite mates, and even though it was quite boring because they were into seeing castles, while I was more interested in shopping or browsing, I decided that was not going to ruin my year.
I mean to top it all, I even saw Chidi Mokeme when I was visiting a friend in VGC, he was so nice.
For my New Year's resolution, I decided I was not going to let Nigerian movies distract me from my studies, like they did in the previous semester. I was going to be a serious Pre-Med student and do serious stuff, like join a research lab, join organizations that looked good on transcript and volunteer, all for my transcript.
I don't remember when I started defaulting on my resolution but I did. And pretty soon, a cycle started: I would do below expectations on an exam or test, and instead of studying more, I would watch Nigerian movies to make myself feel better. I would dream about how it would be to be an actress and the struggles I might endure. I would think about how the storylines and come up with ways the story could have been better or the characters developed well. And it never hit me then that none of daydreams was about becoming a doctor and saving lives.
It became apparent that this was ruining my social life, I was either studying like crazy or watching Nigerian movies alone since no one was into them like I was.
Things took a turn for the worse when a friend told me about Silent Scandals. That weekend, I saw that movie 3 times and then I became even more interested in these movies, always looking for great ones that were coming out soon or sth. My cousin made so much of me but I still persisted in my foolishness.
That semester my GPA was a 3.58. I barely kept my scholarship, since I barely made that GPA.
Also that semester was when I started doubting my faith in God. It was difficult personally because I had been attending a Catholic church even though I had not been baptized or confirmed. I started attending in High school and, it sounds corny I swear but there was this peace of mind I had that made me so happy, my grades started improving. It did not matter that I did not have that many friends in High school but I was just happy with my improving grades. And it's that faith that was with me from 2007 to 2009. Then Spring 2010, I started questioning it. I started questioning why I had to read my bible everyday. At some point, I even started if God existed. That was a really hard semester. i had applied to be a Chemistry tutor but I was pretty sure I was not going to get it since I had a B in Organic Chemistry 2. I even decided to be the President of the Catholic Campus Ministry in my school. ANd God kept telling me not to because I was still questioning my faith. Who was I to lead in the club but I still went ahead.
I got a job over the summer. It was quite boring because it was on campus and the school was deserted. But I was getting paid. I immersed myself completely in movies. I bought MCAT books to study but I never got around to doing that. I never went to Mass but two times because transporting myself was difficult. I guess my morale was just down and I missed my family. A highlight if the summer was that, surprisingly, I had gotten the tutoring position. Again, God kept telling not to but I did not listen.
My mother and sister visited me during that summer and we went to New York and visited Madame Tussuad's with my former roomie, Beth and her mum. I had so much fun, it was crazy.
Then Fall 2010 came. I will say it has been worst emotionally, and academically. The first few weeks, I cried so much because of how many disappointments I had. The tutoring position was not what I thought because I sucked and people kept skipping sessions. The Catholic position added to my stress because I was having a hard time getting my people organized. I had not started studying for the MCAT. My new suite mates were quite irritating and I never clicked with them. And when I went to my friends for support, they just never seemed to be there for me. And I think part of the reason for that is because I was never really good friend. I only called people when i needed help and so I deserved that but knowing that just added to my guilt. I was too discouraged to go the gym and I was gaining weight oh. I had cut my hair during my summer and just people making fun of it was enough to have me feeling sorry for myself but I did try to put up facade.
Anywhere I went and whatever I was doing, I always felt like I was never good enough, smart enough, or even cool enough. So many times, I wished the ground would open up and swallow me. My studies were not also all roses and rainbows. I had my fair share of challenges there also. I started a journal just so I could keep a record of thoughts.
And the only thing that kept me sane and happy were African movies
Again, I made myself a promise, no Nigerian movies! Tried to do a 'once in a week rule' but I failed epically. I started the blog because I figured I might as well use my addiction to improve my writing. I discovered websites like BellaNaija and NollywoodForever.
I realized that I truly did not want to be a Medical Doctor. Now, on top of all my troubles, I was also confused about my future ambition. I decided to try Research and i started shadowing someone in my adviser's research lab. Then I started hearing this annoying voice in my head that told me to not do the research. Now, I was getting frustrated with God. It seemed like when I start doing sth good, he always wanted me to drop it. It took me a while but I decided i was not going to do the research mainly because I had taken the tutoring position against God's advice and I turned so miserable because of it.
So, now I wasn't pre-med and was not even interested in anything science based. The other Chem tutors seemed like they had their futures figured out and I was like the idiot that was mistakenly hired.
At the of this semester, I am unsure of my GPA. I could not get on my flight to Nigeria due to some circumstances, I am still trying to figure out what I believe religiously and how I can resist temptations. I'm not sure what the future holds and I don't really want to know but God I am so thankful for this year.
This year has been hard but it has helped me to realize somethings about myself I never knew. I am so glad and thankful for the people I met. I'm thankful for meeting Rahilla, she does not know but she really has been a source of inspiration for me. With her positive attitude and crazy personality. I'm thankful for my family, Toni, Lola, Michelle, e.t.c, who over the thanksgiving break just encouraged me and supported me, in their own way. I'm thankful for my brother and my sister who always surprise me and make me happy with the stuff they say. My sister once told me to take a trip to Italy so I could find a mob boss's son who will fall in love with me but he wants to leave the family business because I encouraged him to be good. When I say that girl watches too much T.V, let no one disagree ohhh. I miss her so much and even though, I might not be able to spend the Holidays with her, I pray she enjoys it with our family in Canada. I know my cousin, Toni, loves me and wants the best for me even though she puts a i-dont-care attitude and I love her so much and miss how we'll stay up all night laughing about super dumb stuff and how much we shell around each other.
I acted in two drama presentations, and while this may not seem that cool, I was super excited because acting has always been my dream and I hope i could do that one day.
Even the tutoring, on the last day, my tutees got me a Thank you card and homemade chocolate chip cookies, I was so happy I wanted to cry. I'm thankful for the President position, I got a to work with some really amazing people, my treasurer Schnaude, my V.P, Chiamaka and the choir coordinator, Kim were so awesome, doing more than I could ever asked of them and even when one of events flopped and i was freaking out, they helped me stay sane.
I'm really thankful for the friends I had towards the end of this semester esp Titi, she is younger than me but she really encouraged me when I felt down.
I'm thankful for spending Xmas with my uncle's family in the States, I ate some pretty weird food but I'm so happy about me trying new things and for the company.
I'm most thankful for God though, for never leaving my side even when things are so horrible and I just want to give up. Go d stayed with me through all my doubts and lack of perseverance, even when people were not, God stayed with me and I know no amount of thanks could be enough but I'll try to remember to always be thankful.
Now, I'm waiting to leave for Nigeria and even though brokeness has been a way of life for me this semester, I thank God so much because I know he has endowed me. I know I will always problems, and I will feel insecure sometimes and I will be scared sometimes, but I'm going to try to always learn from my mistakes.
Thank you so much to the people that visited my blog. I'm so thankful, it's crazy. May God be with you all through all your trials and may we never lose faith.
Happy New Years in advance
I love you all!!!!!!
